Why I invite you to stop asking “how do I make this behavior stop?”

Have you ever been put off by someone’s judgment- or assumption-led inquiries about what you’re doing or have done? 

Yeah, you’re not alone. 

Imagine, just imagine, that may very well be how our children and teens end up feeling after their interactions with us–their parents–over a lifetime of exposure to the traditional parenting practices our society has normalized and that we have been conditioned to adopt.

Let’s take this moment to pause and reflect on the possibility that we may be—very likely unintentionally and as a part of this conditioning—allowing judgment and assumption to lead the interactions with our kids.

But first, as part of the pause and reflection, we remember to give ourselves grace for how often we slip into this pattern. It is a pattern that is rooted throughout generations. This pattern did not start with you.

You are here, with me, reading this, so you are going to be bringing awareness and a softening to this pattern that can ultimately “break” this cycle. But we only get there if we first invite compassion for how we got here in the first place. It's steeped in society. Rooted in generations. Heavily conditioned. Robustly patterned.

Also, remember this: Parenting really should be referred to as an extreme sport. Not just because it is exhausting and the most emotionally and physically taxing job there is, but because we also have this task of either continuing or putting the breaks on these generational patterns. That is huge. It is the evolution of our species and the choice sits with us parents.

So, there is no blame. No shame. No judgment for how steeped our parenting habits are in these types of patterns. Where ever you're at, it's ok. The most important part about all of this is that you are here now, willing to broaden your awareness to other possibilities. That is, arguably, the only thing that matters right now.

So, I invite you to be patient with yourself. Where you came from isn’t anything you can change. And that is absolutely ok. 

…

I invite you to join me for a softer conversation around parenting. Because when we approach child behavior with curiosity rather than judgment, we are more open to explore the most critical question: what might be happening underneath this?

I do want to warn you—sometimes it might seem like a different planet, because we have to step outside of the conditioned thinking we may have had our entire lives. Maybe, just maybe, you can join me in giving yourself whimsical permission to think of it as a magic school bus (hats off to Ms. Frizzle) that you're joining, or even a magic carpet ride where you'll be afforded a whole new perspective. It might be very new territory, but I am your guide and I'll be with you along the way.

Alright. Now for the concept I'd like to introduce to you.

What if parenting is like learning a new language, one that many of us were never taught or even remotely exposed to in our own experience as children? Let me go even further. What if parenting is like learning two languages simultaneously? Two languages we may or may not have ever been exposed to?

Let that sit for a minute. 

Two potentially new languages. 

Wowza. Knowing how easy (haha) it is to learn new languages as an adult, this could seem overwhelming to consider. Daunting, even.

But maybe that’s why parenting can so quickly feel overwhelming. Our child is speaking (yelling, hitting, throwing—aka, expressing) a language we haven't been taught to interpret. Not for ourselves growing up, and certainly not for others.

And woah, let us not forget the second language I mentioned. The second language might be the one you, the parent, are speaking. The language of your internal landscape. Your own authentic feelings, needs, beliefs and reactions. How well do you know that language?

Maybe that is why we feel like we’re living in chaos and we’re barely getting up to the surface for air. Maybe that’s why we feel like we’ve been drowning. 

Yes. I’d venture to say that is most likely part of it. 

And I’m here to invite you to pause, take a breath, and hear my words: this may be true for you, and it is completely ok. You're in good company.

I’m want to remind you that from my vantage point of a parent coach and pediatrician, I literally have nothing but hope for you to grow from this place. If you choose it. 

Because...

It’s actually inherent to our beings to be able to speak both of these languages. Meaning, you are never actually starting from scratch. This territory may feel unfamiliar if you weren't exposed to these languages as a child, or thus far into your adult life. And, it may take softening, digging, exploring, re-programming to lean into it.

It may take curiosity and bravery, but you are capable of learning the languages, if you’re open to my invitation to soften the conditioned beliefs. Remember, humans are wired to connect and to repair those connections when they’ve suffered rupture. Meaning, even if your child is grown, you can still learn the languages that foster repair and connection with them.

It just takes a wee bit of training. Just like learning to walk, talk, and ride a bike. 

So. When we ask or instruct our kids to "stop" the behavior we aren’t fond of, what we may actually be doing is attempting to suffocate a response before we've understood the language. Before we've understood what they're trying to communicate. Before we've fully grasped what the response means for our child, where it comes from, and why it’s there in the first place.

Because, let me remind you: our kids are inherently wired for connection. They are not trying to be a**holes. They're just speaking a language many of us weren't taught to interpret.

And that’s where learning these languages changes everything.

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/8597a5_83faf918ff1e49949c1190c12c6f9ce4/1080p/mp4/file.mp4

So…do you want to know more?

Continue with The Two Languages of Parenting, Part I: The Language Within Us or book a doorway call with me to see how working with me 1:1 can change your parenting game completely. 

🖤 dr maylevi

Pediatrician | Parent Coach

Founder, Maylevi, LLC