The Two Languages of Parenting, Part I: The Language Within Us
Updated: Sep 4
Friends, welcome back to the softer conversation around parenting. I'm so glad you're here with me, in this safe and brave space where we enjoy thoughtfully unconventional perspectives on parenting (that can change your parenting game, if you're interested).
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To be honest, while I was going through the Jai Institute of Parenting Transformational Parenting Program myself (the first step to ultimately becoming a certified coach), I was simultaneously in love with, comforted by, and kind of shocked by what I was learning. I learned so much and had so many "aha" moments, but the funny thing about it was that it also didn't feel like new material. It honestly felt like a returning home. Like I was finally hearing what my entire being had been craving; finally gaining the parenting perspective that I had always known to be true in my system. It felt utterly inherent. That's part of why it felt so shocking.
This is also why I even started thinking of parenting like learning a new language. But not a language that is foreign. Because I realized that it is, they are, languages that are native to us humans. They are natural. Inherent to our beings that are wired for connection. We have just been conditioned to not always nurture, speak, or listen for them.
Now, let's revisit the idea that parenting might be like learning not one, but two languages.
If you're like most of us, we need to not only learn the language of our children and our children's behavior, but also the language of our own internal landscape.
The first is the language within us: our feelings, needs, values, boundaries, nervous systems, and authentic voice. The second is the language of our children: their feelings, needs, development, nervous systems, and the behaviors through which so much of that gets communicated.
And as it turns out, the more fluent we become in one, the more capable we can become of understanding the other.
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Let's dive in.
First, I want to touch on some common parenting patterns that may have shaped our familiarity with these languages.
So many of us were parented, to some degree, with societally normalized power-over (authoritarian), or even power-under (permissive) parenting patterns. And our childhood experiences don't simply disappear when we become parents ourselves, even if we've resolved that we'll do things differently.
And as Daniel J. Siegel, MD, and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, explore in The Power of Showing Up, and Siegel and Mary Hartzell explore in Parenting from the Inside Out, making sense of our own history can help us make sense of how those experiences influence the ways we relate to, connect with, and show up for our own children.
Below are some common challenges that may be associated with growing up in family systems rooted in power-over or power-under paradigms, particularly when those patterns leave less room for self-understanding, self-expression, and relational connection. Of course, these experiences are complex and can be shaped by many factors. This isn't a claim that any one parenting paradigm exclusively causes the patterns below.
How many of us resonate with at least some of these?
Lack of a full understanding of your own needs, feelings, desires, and voice.
Lack of practice embodying your agency and expressing your authentic self. Struggling to use your voice consistently.
Lack of experience and comfort with others fully "seeing" you and reflecting that back to you.
Shame for "being bad," or doing it "wrong."
Shame for putting energy and time into yourself, for self-development or self-care.
Reactivity instead of understanding, reflection, and calm communication during challenging circumstances or emotions (if we were told to just not "have" that emotion, or to just "deal" with it instead of learning to honor, understand, and adequately process it, as adults, we more easily just flip our lid).
Low self-esteem and/or low resilience during challenging seasons.
Lack of satisfaction or pride in your accomplishments, or only feeling worthy when you “achieve” things or perform “well” in your external environment.
Feeling emotionally confused or unavailable for yourself, your partner, or your children (even with your deep-seated, intuitive drive to be available and connected).
Lack of confidence in building and maintaining clear boundaries, often being inconsistent in your expectation that people respect them. This includes our kids; often we have a hard time consistently implementing our boundaries in a structured way.
Confusion about what your values are and how to consistently honor and live in alignment with them.
Doubting or not believing in yourself. Having a difficult time connecting with others and your kids. Feeling powerless or incapable.
The softer conversation around parenting becomes much deeper when we understand how the parenting paradigms we inherited may have affected us as humans.
How can we accurately feel, know, lean into, understand, and express the language of our own emotions, needs, desires, and goals if our childhood, the time when we begin exploring and developing all of that, was powered-over by demands and a need for obedience, or powered-under by a lack of guidance?
How do we adequately and reliably learn the language of our systems if we weren't consistently met with attention, curiosity, empathy, and support while that language was developing?
No wonder we become adults and only then start (slowly) figuring out who we are and how to speak our authentic voice. To be honest, it gives me flashbacks to Ariel's voice being taken from her in The Little Mermaid. 🧜♀️ Except in this version, we're recognizing the generations of patterns that may have quieted it, and doing the work to slowly learn how to hear our own voice again.
Remember, we're not blaming our parents or anyone else. There very well may be feelings of grief, sadness, disappointment, etc. when we reflect on our own childhoods, and yet, acknowledging impact doesn't require us to turn this reflection into an exercise in blame. Our parents were parenting within their own histories, resources (or lack thereof), cultures, stressors, knowledge, and constraints. There are so many oppressive forces out there, and sometimes, it's all we can do just to survive. Access to this reflection and growth is not equally distributed or available at all times. We just do what we can, when we can.
So, our first task, and the one we softly begin exploring during parent coaching, is to start bringing an awareness to our own experiences and their effects.
Doing this work can, in turn, create a foundation for deeper connection and more opportunities for growth with our own children. Not only can we begin to feel less confusion about who we are, what we believe, what we need, and what our values are, but we can also begin to stand more firmly in that authenticity and parent from a place of power-with: a relational alternative to the power-over and power-under paradigms mentioned above, and one that creates more space for security, connection, authenticity, and emotional safety.
This is where our internal work can begin to change what our children experience relationally: their opportunities to feel safe, seen, soothed, and ultimately secure, to borrow Siegel and Bryson's framework from The Power of Showing Up.
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Now, let me invite a moment of breath. A moment of settling.
If this is new for you, it may take some time to percolate. And that is 100% okay.
You have nothing but grace here.
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Stay tuned because we'll talk about the second language, that of our children and their behavior, plus what all of this means for them, in part II.
If you want to explore how this relates to you and your parenting, please reach out. And most importantly, give yourself grace and empathy for whatever shows up while you're learning this. If you're ready for some coaching support, I've got no shortage of either for you.
🖤 dr maylevi
Certified Parent Coach | Pediatrician
Founder, Maylevi, LLC
Resources: The Jai Institute for Parenting; The Power of Showing Up by Daniel J. Siegel, MD, and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD; Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel, MD, and Mary Hartzell.
*Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Parent coaching is a forward-focused educational and supportive process and is not a substitute for medical care, psychotherapy, or other mental health treatment. Please seek appropriate professional support when needed.
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